These are the poems I write, about the people I know, the women I fall for, my children, my friends, my life, my frustrations, nature, being a father and being a friend
Sunday, July 31, 2016
companion
tickling, and poking
pleading without sound
of my mind
my heart
I can not rewind
Darkness falls
can I be consumed
you in green walls
You in dusky light
my heart now hurting
indulges my plight
the memory of you
my ever present companion
my almost true
Thursday, July 28, 2016
weather this whether or
challenge; restore
and sad and happy
my faith though now rocked
battered; constant
in Him and in us
we are the survived
survivors; real ones
and we can carry on
those we love(d) are damaged
now; imperfect
but cherished for a time
we can choose our memory
feelings; sickness
and we can choose anew
Ours is not the same song
now over; maybe not
but we can hold each other
weather the whether or
not knowing; the future
and we can choose our sanctity
Monday, July 25, 2016
My choice and chance
is my only chance
is to move the hell on
and end this sick dance
back and forth
and pleading with you
and that's a dance I just can not do
I know prayers are answered
and so I will pray
I will not stop
lifting you up every day
to my God,
to my father, my king
that someday you will wear my wedding ring
We gave it a go
we did our damned best
but one little crack
and you failed the test
lying and leaving
and leaving again
and that is a game I can never win
You were the one
I'll love you for life
I truly hoped and I thought
you would be my wife
but I have to let go
this fight is too uphill
at the end I can say, Still and Always Will
I hope for your health
I hope you find you
because when you are happy
there's nothing I wouldn't do
to see you again
and to hold you so near
that angles and demons would quake in awe, wonder and fear
I have to move on
So go my love go, and figure this out.
You deserve so much more than
a life filled with doubt
and what you are choosing
but I'm near the edge and soon I might fall
if I don't walk away from this siren call
Sunday, July 24, 2016
supplication
and cry out to my God
with words I can not form
my invocation flawed
I pray in supplications
and beg ease for my Heart
with knees bent and heart now rent
I beg for a new start
I cry at this aberration
and try to find some sane
my heart is yours and yours was mine
tears fall and ease my pain
My hope is abdication
of folly and this fool
return my love into my arms
we'll live by heavens rule
know love and respect and honor
and be lifted to god everyday, every moment,
and with every waking breath.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
where do I go
now that my ease and easy love
has gone
smashing down boundaries
and fleeing the
bright light of dawn
and dawning
realization
Where do I go
now that you are a memory
of bliss
haunting myeverythought
and taking love
like this
not cherished in
damnation
Where do I go
now that you don't want me
or Us
accepting your not so great fate
and becoming less
the brave girl I knew
now every day
your less you
And that hurts the most.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Count it all
my heart
I count it all
days
hours
minutes
Seconds
slowly
I feel each one
I pray for release
My God refuses me
so I wait
days
hours
minutes
I count it all joy
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Waking
In the early calm
I didn't dream of you
In the hot frenzy
Calming all my fear
Near unbearable
Is eased to a strain
I have to move on
I'll no more abstain
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Letting Go
why I can't
let her just go
Don't think I ever will
she torments
my memory
my heart is rent
My longing will not end
Cant understand
shes married
if unplanned
None of this makes sense
I screwed up
I let her go
I let her pull away
she wanted me
she wanted us
there were vows
we should have made
Turns out devotion is more than a piece of paper.
My prayers are unanswered,
though saved I may be
My God will not help me
If she remembers me
If she remembers us
why cant we be we
The audacity of thought
I make my (her laugh) way
She
Us We
through my day
Zombies have more attention
Her face, smile, cheeks
thoughts and focus, details (her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes) my solace
Eyes
fleeting and wonder what broke us
Holidays, warm, loved
Hands held
have to think (holding her) about work
Close never again, never
my mind is on (special smile, stolen moments) the brink
why?
sadness constant sad, scheming schemes that will never happen
Alone in the (she is gone) alone
her, she, where? why?
I miss my one true own, my only
heart broken,
waiting for release
her, she, why, WHY?
My face is the mask I wear
My heart races to the past
My longing is without end
My intention is for her
and I have learned devotion.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Remains the same
Despite my pain
My prayer remains the same
And as I lay your heart
On the pyre
Of my hopes and dreams
I'll now kneel
To What ever God proves real
And gives back to me
My family
My everafter
It never goes
I just grow more morose
As you slip further away
My other half
My every dream
I lift you up
And With every breath I
Claim the pain as mine
Finding you here
Missing you there
Saturday, July 16, 2016
And here did I love you
The music washes over
A gentle breeze
Rustles my hair
Familiar joy mingled with pain
this was my place
And here did I love you
Desiring you from afar for so so long
My heart fills in worship
My prayers fall
On a deaf or unwilling God
I look for you always
This was our place
And here did I love you
Desiring him with you was my surety
Alone in the darkness
My mind fills with memories
My heart breaks anew, and again
Waking to realize
It was just a dream
But here still I love you.
In all the little things
in folded clothing
and wedding rings
and memories of her smile
and in the the reality that we've
Her pain and love
She'd rather be mistreated by him.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
In a box
you've lost all your dreams
and love may have has slipped your grasp
and all around
you hear a shrill sound
like shattering of old brittle glass
As everything you knew,
that you knew for sure
Shatters
when you are trapped
you're not handicapped
You put your self in there.
You can get your self out.
Don't give up too late
Don't stay too damn long
Don't listen to that crappy, and crappier
same old, same old, song.
Make the right choice
find your true voice
and decide to decide to do something
You can only change you
That's all you can do.
You can't live your life for a lie
With out being true,
well, you have lost you.
Despite what you feel
that love isn't real
if you have to lie,
your love isn't love after all
And remember
The box you are in
can be a Sarcophagus
or
a Chrysalis
It's your choice.
Believe
you thought you knew
and In what was
once your certain true
and know you're right
and this will get
you through toughest nights
and not for them
whose love you owned
and never stop
forgive and live
and each teardrop
will wash away your sad
and ending you'll be glad
a way, others can only dream of
a way they couldn't love
the whole real...
total love deal
on the most loving hearts.
So believe, release, move on
and love who they used to be
forgive but never forget who they became
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Rapture
and breathing slows
I
now alone in the darkness
feel content
and out
With each beat of my heart
in the
Halcyon glow of a parking lot
this heavenly phantom
haunts and binds me
but gaining clear
remembrance of
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Her prayers
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Primrosed
Primrosed and still whirling
Clinging to a gossamer thread
Choices made
Inexorable commitment
Binding her head
But alone in the dark does
She think of me?
Bullheaded and still waiting
Trying now to play her part
Duty and pain
Assail, harden, and befuddled
Her once true heart
Does she remember the we
We once were?
Maudlin, scarred and scared
Now desperate for the known
It is what it is
Forgiving, ignoring, avoiding
At least she has a home
Will she ever be the brave girl
Who taught me to love
Delirium and knowing
Forever now at odds
You can not fix this
Release, return, embrace
The plan to follow God's
Plan for life and love
And turn a mistake into bravery
Alone in the dark
passions intentions are called home
and I again am left
alone
Alone to face my reality
and figure out what that may be
and I know
though I don't want to admit
always hers
its not a habit I can quit
its the innumerable connection
She is lost to me
and worse to her
pretending her choice
is worth much more
Than what we were
than what we had
but with us things were never this bad.
And I pray for her return
to her
to me
and the restoration of our family.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Choosing true
I can choose
But if I've learned
Choosing should choose the
Truth you've earned
I search for what is true
What I know
In my truth
I won't let go
So I'll move on
With my heart
Still strong
And try to start
Again
But the girl she was
Still captures me
Captivates and
Makes me believe
It was all real
The most real I will ever know
Friday, July 8, 2016
A semblance
What you were
You work to correct
And to preserve
The obscene
Dig in and Dig deep
your shelter or a latrine?
and they're in this too
But strength requires righteous
And commitment a to bullshit
Is still bullshit never the less
I can not control
Directing your love
Was never my goal
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
From A far...
and love from a far...
Bullshit things I say in my car
true lies that I wish on an empty star
are there even fucking stars any more?
I'm not the cause,
and can I control
Affirmations said to ease my soul
transparent crap to pay my toll
on this road to no where, no love
You can not cure
You cant make her heal
she has to find her own true real
and not surrender to her zeal
for a bullshit commitment she made
I know it's true
I know I must wait
But here in the dark when pained and prostrate
I struggle against this my cruel cruel fate
and I suffer again, and I would again, and again
How can it be
that I'm her "true love"
were we ever us or just kind of?
Her words spoken to soon
a terrible choice
heal and deal before you rejoice
this isn't you you've lost your real voice
and I long for the brave girl in the sweater
How can you choose this
what are you thinking
You gave him your love with out even blinking
you're in way to deep probably sinking
and you wont grab the damned rope?
Its time to cut free
It's time to give in
This isn't a game you're trying to win
Love is more than overcoming his sin
after such a short time you shouldn't be having to work so hard
In true love theres no choice
You don't have to work
stop trying to make a man from a jerk
he doesn't deserve you...and he never will
do you ever remember working so hard with me, with us?
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
I will not
impress her into loving me
I'm worth more than that
and so is she
confusion rends her heart and I pray for clarity
and sanity
and selfishly
for who she used to be
let go of her true loving heart
I'm content to wait
for her return
and worry and weep about what I've learned
scars earned
touch yearned
for the girl she was with me
keep quiet in their suffering
they need a daddy
not condemnation
and disdain, and his cruel art
now apart
broken heart
mom and girls torn apart
forget her, all she might still be
please make her herself
not this phantom
now confused
spirit bruised
and I pray for her, prayers refused
push her closer into the beast
she has to chose on her own
please give her strength
make whole
your love
now freed
your grace descend from above
what ever that means
Monday, July 4, 2016
July 4th
She used to be
Trapped in matrimonial
Misery
now lying surrounds
Confusion spreads and protection
Confounds
Just let her go
They're better alone
Please God, end this horror show
& combat zone
Admit your sin
Go away... depart
Lying and cheating and using
My/Her true heart
I still can't sleep
Was she here with me?
Loving, and planning, and then what?
Back to that?
Saturday, July 2, 2016
spoken word attempt for Tami
we arrive at the real
with pertinence and zeal
and maybe now we can finally... heal...
you're not a total failure
you only need savior
your'e so much more than your choices and behavior
but true love is not a curve
and some who don't deserve
those hearts you shouldn't serve
but I'm still here
me but changed
constant but re arranged
my only hope your happiness
my only tool this sappiness
in the darkness of the night
in the turmoil of my plight
our love my guiding light
Enough already of your bogus campaign
for love
for marriage
I should have bent my knee
but now in actuality
your trapped in matrimony
until you return.