My burden

My burden is no lighter
I pull this fallen tree
through modern forrest primeval.
My fingers clutching and cloistering
The roots of what we were
My back bloodied and broken
And I pull and pull
unable to let free
unwilling to accept as is as  just so
I pull this fallen tree

My burden is no lighter
I pull this tree alone
Through the every day mundane
Grasping and laboring and searching
For a place to plant it new
My fruitful soil eludes me
And still I pull and pull
No plans or dreams consume
The burden is not chosen
The task was set for me

My burden is a joy now
I pull this tree uphill
Every branch a memory
A battle of my will
Devotion is my yoke now
Longing is my crown
And still I pull and pull
My hoped for consecration
Not mine against my will

And I'm still here... pulling on this damn tree

My burden is no lighter

I pull this fallen tree

through bramble snags and clutches

tearing at the branches, the memories

tattered and shaken

the leaves the details brown and fall

But I am growing stronger

this burden I can bear

as the shoulders of my heart grow broad

I can complete my task

Don't touch the stove

My beloved daughter
There will be times while away from home
When you will you will be tried
And you'll be all alone

So I have prepared
A plan for you
A list of things you can do
And that are probably best not to do

Dont Lean on the stove
It is always hot
Even when off
You're better to not

Don't play with the fire
Or you soon will learn
That when you do
You always get burned

Don't run with scissors
It's just good advice
And avoid things that cut you
And things that can slice

And don't play with boys
Who aren't very nice
They won't ever change
They aren't worth the price

If he is exciting
But he isn't true
He's not worth the crap
He will put you through

Follow your dreams
And don't ever stop
Let the other kids worry
Who ends up on top

True riches you'll find
In what gives you joy
And not in vast
Accumulation of toys

And above all else
Remember you're loved
By me and your mom
And by God up above

So go find your life
And try your damned best
I promise in the end
You'll be happier than the rest

the sometimes nothingness

The sometimes nothingness
of you
the harbinger that meant
I knew
you were gone
and wouldn't hold on

The everyday smile
and grace
the look of love apparent
on your face
was missing and vapid
your exit hectic and rapid

And you were not you
and I was not me
and we are not now
what we were meant
to be
or not, it's up to God
I just wish you'd end this fraud.

And at least be the brave girl
who I once knew
The amazing woman
who grew and grew
and not this
whatever you are
you had come so far

To throw it away
to try to go back
to whatever it was
with that crazy whack
and get whacked
come on baby
you're better than this maybe.

Laid at his feet

Laid at his feet
all of my dreams
he is in charge
not me, so it seems

Laid at the cross
my hopes now for you
I just can not live
in this heartbreaking blue

I will not give up
I will not surrender
I will just now trust
the Lord's loving splendor

I believe there's a plan
I believe we were true
But living with out us
what else can I do

But focus on me
and being the man
that you once loved dearly
if maybe I can

Then maybe someday
We'll meet up again
and if my hunch is right
I'll see that wry grin

That spark in your eyes
that was only for me
the flush of your cheek
the unspoken plea

And you will be mine
my hearts bell will toll
and we will be us
and I will be whole

Don't read Fitzgerald with a broken heart

Don't read Fitzgerald with a broken heart
His turn of the phrase
It's  Beyond mere art.

Made like a poem of love and loss
From longing to pain
Like stations of the cross

And I suffer and I suffer on
Like Gatsby the fool
In his life long con

Dragging my self through endless days
Wandering now
My life with out you, has become a haze

No flowers for my daisy
My Nick a trusted friend
Planning and Talking me through the crazy

That has torn our family down
Reconciled to anguish
The circus needs it's clown

No hammer on a star
No wish that will come true
I am designate now to love you from afar

what a fool I must be

What a fool I must be
carrying our love alone
how heavy is misery?
every moment missing you
fighting against my destiny
every breath pain
every step a memory

and she is gone
does she think of me?
she says moved on
domestic domicile bullshit bliss
some how I think shes wrong
so fool that I am I wait for the fall
and the end of this self con

What a fool I must seem
living in the past
thinking I'm her truest dream
she haunts me always
why can she just be mean
crush me wholly
end this foolish obscene

crush me, wound me,
tell me to go
instead she leaves me
lost in the memories of her
the best memories that ever were
what I would give to be lost in the blur
of loving  hers again and her

And fool that I am,
I am giving it...all
just in case... and because I can
and awaiting the fall

companion

in the background
tickling, and poking
pleading without sound

of my mind
my heart
I can not rewind

Darkness falls
can I be consumed
you in green walls

You in dusky light
my heart now hurting
indulges my plight

the memory of you
my ever present companion
my almost true

weather this whether or

images possess me
challenge; restore
and sad and happy

my faith though now rocked
battered; constant
in Him and in us

we are the survived
survivors; real ones
and we can carry on

those we love(d) are damaged
now; imperfect
but cherished for a time

we can choose our memory
feelings; sickness
and we can choose anew

Ours is not the same song
now over; maybe not
but we can hold each other

weather the whether or
not knowing; the future
and we can choose our sanctity

My choice and chance

My only choice
is my only chance
is to move the hell on
and end this sick dance
back and forth
and pleading with you
and that's a dance I just can not do

I know prayers are answered
and so I will pray
I will not stop
lifting you up every day
to my God,
to my father, my king
that someday you will wear my wedding ring

We gave it a go
we did our damned best
but one little crack
and you failed the test
lying and leaving
and leaving again
and that is a game I can never win

You were the one
I'll love you for life
I truly hoped and I thought
you would be my wife
but I have to let go
this fight is too uphill
at the end I can say, Still and Always Will

I hope for your health
I hope you find you
because when you are happy
there's nothing I wouldn't do
to see you again
and to hold you so near
that angles and demons would quake in awe, wonder and fear

I have to move on
So go my love go, and figure this out.
You deserve so much more than
a life filled with doubt
and what you are choosing
but I'm near the edge and soon I might fall
if I don't walk away from this siren call

supplication

I shout my desperation
and cry out to my God
with words I can not form
my invocation flawed

I pray in supplications
and beg ease for my Heart
with knees bent and heart now rent
I beg for a new start

I cry at this aberration
and try to find some sane
my heart is yours and yours was mine
tears fall and ease my pain

My hope is abdication
of folly and this fool
return my love into my arms
we'll live by heavens rule

know love and respect and honor
and be lifted to god everyday, every moment,
and with every waking breath.

where do I go

Where do I go
now that my ease and easy love
has gone

smashing down boundaries
and fleeing the
bright light of dawn

and dawning
realization

Where do I go
now that you are a memory
of bliss

haunting myeverythought
and taking love
like this

not cherished in
damnation

Where do I go
now that you don't want me
or Us

accepting your not so great fate
and becoming less
the brave girl I knew

now every day
your less you

And that hurts the most.

Count it all

Empty
my heart
I count it all

days
       hours
                minutes

Seconds
slowly
I feel each one

I pray for release
My God refuses me

so I wait

days
       hours
                minutes

I count it all joy

Waking

Well that's new
In the early calm
I didn't dream of you

I woke to a confused new world

She was here
In the hot frenzy
Calming all my fear

And she was good to me

And my pain
Near unbearable
Is eased to a strain

And she gives her self again

And again
I have to move on
I'll no more abstain

Drink deep healing waters

Letting Go

I don't know
why I can't
let her just go
Don't think I ever will

she torments
my memory
my heart is rent
My longing will not end

Cant understand
shes married
if unplanned
None of this makes sense

I screwed up
I let her go
I let her pull away
she wanted me
she wanted us
there were vows
we should have made

Turns out devotion is more than a piece of paper.

My prayers are unanswered,
though saved I may be
My God will not help me
If she remembers me
If she remembers us
why cant we be we

The audacity of thought

Her
I make my (her laugh) way
She
Us We
through my day
Zombies have more attention

Her face, smile, cheeks
thoughts and focus, details (her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes) my solace
Eyes
fleeting and wonder what broke us
Holidays, warm, loved

Hands held
have to think (holding her) about work
Close never again, never
my mind is on (special smile, stolen moments) the brink
why?

sadness constant sad, scheming schemes that will never happen
Alone in the (she is gone) alone
her, she, where? why?
I miss my one true own, my only
heart broken,
waiting for release
her, she, why, WHY?

My face is the mask I wear
My heart races to the past
My longing is without end
My intention is for her

and I have learned devotion.

Remains the same

Despite my pain
My prayer remains the same
And as I lay your heart
On the pyre
Of my hopes and dreams

I'll now kneel
To What ever God proves real
And gives back to me
My family
My everafter

It never goes
I just grow more morose
As you slip further away
My other half
My every dream

I lift you up
And With every breath I
Claim the pain as mine
Finding you here
Missing you there

And here did I love you

The music washes over
A gentle breeze
Rustles my hair
Familiar joy mingled with pain
this was my place
And here did I love you

Desiring you from afar for so so long

My heart fills in worship
My prayers fall
On a deaf or unwilling God
I look for you always
This was our place
And here did I love you

Desiring him with you was my surety

Alone in the darkness
My mind fills with memories
My heart breaks anew, and again
Waking to realize
It was just a dream

But here still I love you.

In all the little things

I feel her gone

in all the little things
in folded clothing
and wedding rings

in notes she'd leave
and memories of her smile
and in the the reality that we've

Become a memory for her. 

Not worthy of
Her pain and love
She'd rather be mistreated by him.

Than spend forever with me.

in every little thing

she reminds me

there is another way, she brings

Happiness and comfort

Open and honest

Her pain and her passion

She is a comfort to my heart

In a box

at times it seams
you've lost all your dreams
and love may have has slipped your grasp

and all around
you hear a shrill sound
like shattering of old brittle glass

As everything you knew,
that you knew for sure
Shatters

when you are trapped
you're not handicapped
You put your self in there.
You can get your self out.

Don't give up too late
Don't stay too damn long
Don't listen to that crappy, and crappier
same old,  same old, song.

Make the right choice
find your true voice
and decide to decide to do something

You can only change you
That's all you can do.
You can't live your life for a lie
With out being true,
well, you have lost you.

Despite what you feel
that love isn't real
if you have to lie,
your love isn't love after all

And remember
The box you are in
can be a Sarcophagus
or
a Chrysalis
It's your choice.

Believe

Believe in what
you thought you knew
and In what was
once your certain true

Believe in this
and know you're right
and this will get
you through toughest nights

Believe for you alone
and not for them
whose love you owned

Believe it all
and never stop
forgive and live
and each teardrop

Will honor the love you had
will wash away your sad
and ending you'll be glad

that you could love that way
a way, others can only dream of
a way they couldn't love

Not because of you

But because they just cant do
the whole real...
total love deal

The burden of true love falls hardest
on the most loving hearts.
So believe, release, move on
and love who they used to be
forgive but never forget who they became

Rapture

As Rapture recedes into dreaming
and breathing slows
       I
        now  alone in the darkness
feel content

for now to long for

memories

flooding in
   and out
With each beat of my heart

Standing vulnerable and determined
in the
Halcyon glow of a parking lot

This image
this heavenly phantom
haunts and binds me

to the reality

of losing you
but gaining clear
remembrance of

happy days in the setting sun

never been loved like that

never will again

Her prayers

Sometimes I think,

or I want to believe

I can feel her heartache

calling to me

In moments too surreal

I feel her pain as shes made to kneel

before the alter of her confusion

And I pray deeply for her

This arcane fantasy

troubles and saddens and

burdens  me   and in bondage

I give my heart now impaired

But reminding...we once shared

a oneness

and I reach out to her across the sweltering plains

I hear her voice in my head

arguing, this cant be real

I feel the confusion

she doesn't buy into illusion

and trust is an anchor to the drowning

as her vision clears, the future is unknown 

Primrosed

Primrosed and still whirling
Clinging to a gossamer thread
Choices made
Inexorable commitment
Binding her head

But alone in the dark does
She think of me?

Bullheaded and still waiting
Trying now to play her part
Duty and pain
Assail, harden, and befuddled
Her once true heart

Does she remember the we
We once were?

Maudlin, scarred and scared
Now desperate for the known
It is what it is
Forgiving, ignoring,  avoiding
At least she has a home

Will she ever be the brave girl
Who taught me to love

Delirium and knowing
Forever now at odds
You can not fix this
Release, return, embrace
The plan to follow God's

Plan for life and love
And turn a mistake into bravery

Alone in the dark

As the darkness retreats
passions intentions are called home
and I again am left
alone

Alone to face my reality
and figure out what that may be
and I know

though I don't want to admit
always hers
its not a habit I can quit
its  the innumerable connection

She is lost to me
and worse to her
pretending her choice
is worth much more

Than what we were
than what we had
but with us things were never this bad.

And I pray for her return
to her
to me
and the restoration of our family.

Choosing true

I can choose
But if I've learned
Choosing should choose the
Truth you've earned

I search for what is true
What I know
In my truth
I won't let go

So I'll move on
With my heart
Still strong
And try to start
Again

But the girl she was
Still captures me
Captivates and
Makes me believe

It was all real
The most real I will ever know

A semblance

Now a semblance of
What you were
You work to correct
And to preserve

but how many lies have you told?

Now a circus of
The obscene
Dig in and Dig deep
your shelter or a latrine?

and they're in this too

And they hurt so much

And you think you're being strong
But strength requires righteous
And commitment a to bullshit
Is still bullshit never the less

And I didn't cause
I can not control
Directing  your love
Was never my goal

Only cherishing you.... only honoring

And I hope for 

You again

the best I've known

my truest friend

but I can not 

watch you live this lie

and be much less

until you die

You were always worth more.

From A far...

Detach again
and love from a far...
Bullshit things I say in my car
true lies that I wish on an empty star
are there even fucking stars any more?

I'm not the cause,
and can I control
Affirmations said to ease my soul
transparent crap to pay my toll
on this road to no where, no love

You can not cure
You cant make her heal
she has to find her own true real
and not surrender to her zeal
for a bullshit commitment she made

I know it's true
I know I must wait
But here in the dark when pained and prostrate
I struggle against this my cruel cruel fate
and I suffer again, and I would again, and again

How can it be
that I'm her "true love"
were we ever us or just kind of?

Her words spoken to soon
a terrible choice
heal and deal before you rejoice
this isn't you you've lost your real voice
and I long for the brave girl in the sweater

How can you choose this
what are you thinking
You gave him your love with out even blinking
you're in way to deep probably sinking
and you wont grab the damned rope?

Its time to cut free
It's time to give in
This isn't a game you're trying to win
Love is more than overcoming his sin
after such a short time you shouldn't be having to work so hard

In true love theres no choice
You don't have to work
stop trying to make a man from a jerk
he doesn't deserve you...and he never will
do you ever remember working so hard with me, with us?

I will not

I will not
impress her into loving me
I'm worth more than that
and so is she
confusion rends her heart and I pray for clarity
and sanity
and selfishly
for who she used to be

 

And he lied about everything

 

I will not
let go of her true loving heart
I'm content to wait
for her return
and worry and weep about what I've learned
scars earned
touch yearned
for the girl she was with me

 

And every one knows it but her

 

I will not
keep quiet in their suffering
they need a daddy
not condemnation
and disdain, and his cruel art
now apart
broken heart
mom and girls torn apart

 

And I knew so much more but couldn't tell her and she wouldn't listen

 

I will not
forget her, all she might still be
please make her herself
not this phantom
now confused
spirit bruised
and I pray for her, prayers refused

 

And I am rent by her confusion, how could she not know... not feel

 

I will not
push her closer into the beast
she has to chose on her own
please give her strength
make whole
your love
now freed
your grace descend from above

 

And I know she may not chose me

 

Change her heart to be your's again
what ever that means

alone, or me, but please not him

please let her mend

 

And then, I will then sleep

July 4th

So much less than
She used to be
Trapped in matrimonial
Misery

And the skies were dark for me tonight

She's held down
now lying surrounds
Confusion spreads and protection
Confounds

And the night was silent

Just let her go
They're better alone
Please God, end this horror show
& combat zone

The breeze brought no comfort

Admit your sin
Go away... depart
Lying and cheating and using
My/Her true heart

And the stars don't shine

I still can't sleep
Was she here with me?
Loving, and planning, and then what?
Back to that?

And I pray for release.

http://davidsbrokenjourney.blogspot.com/2016/07/rough-weekend-prayer.html

spoken word attempt for Tami

And there it is...
we arrive at the real
with pertinence and zeal
and maybe now we can finally... heal...

You deserve more
you're not a total failure
you only need savior
your'e so much more than your choices and behavior

your Heart is pure
but true love is not a curve
and some who don't deserve
those hearts you shouldn't serve

i can ask you for nothing
but I'm still here
me but changed
constant but re arranged
my only hope your happiness
my only tool this sappiness

You're the one that I long for
in the darkness of the night
in the turmoil of my plight
our love my guiding light

Enough already of your sadness and pain
Enough already of your bogus campaign
for love
for marriage

I was here for you the entire time

and I always will be
I should have bent my knee
but now in actuality
your trapped in matrimony

And now I get to hurt again... and again...
until you return.

maelstrom

The maelstrom is broken

And again, as she was before

She smiles and grace falls from her eyes

Inequity forgiven

Instructing me in the way to choose

as if I had a choice

I only hear her voice

Her trial is now ended

And might now she be forever

She cries and each tear cleanse our scroll

Betrayal is annulled

And my eyes are a fountain of tears

I prayed so much for this

I can't wait for the kiss

Impossible made real

at last Abba answered my prayers

She wants what I want, our always

Ours bears all believes all

Restored now, I can do all things

And there she is again

My lover, my best friend

The new us, the real US

And we finally freed from our fears

She gives and honesty heals us

Hope accepted dreams conceived

And my heart is strong, and now I hope

And she might be my wife

And love with me through life

still and always will

The constance of my covenant

And the revenant of my spirit

She lingers, the happy corners of my mind

And I give myself for her

Presenting her in prayers prayed too late

Still and always will

I struggle for grace

The tears of my trepidation

And the lamentations of my longing

She remains, unwrinkled and unstained the altar washed clean

And I wash her memory with the word

Her betrayal cleansed to ease my pain

Still and always will

I continue our love alone

The immediacy of our intimacy

And the suddenness of us as WE

She is here, if only words on my screen, her voice in my heart

And we are still us

Demanding that she know nothing more than

Still and always will

I wait prayerfully for her return